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But with what? A light and lithe coupe? A new mid-engined sports car? A brawny high-performance saloon? No – clearly, BMW’s M-Sport equivalent of Auntie Rita who sends the bad presents was chairing the meeting that day, and so it was decided that M-Sports birthday present to itself was going to be this elephantine SUV. With last year having been the 50th anniversary of BMW’s justifiably-legendary M-Sport division, the company was clearly going to mark that big birthday.

The XM is only the second car to be built only and solely by BMW’s M-Division. A life-size nude sculpture of your spouse, carved from cheese.

A week’s hunting lions in the African veldt. Occasionally, for a “big” birthday, they might push the boat out and buy you something really big, really expensive, but really inappropriate. One present bought for you by a distant relative, a relative who doesn’t really know, understand, nor like you but who nonetheless feels duty bound to buy you something. Always one present in the pile under the Christmas tree, or that arrives in the post on your birthday.

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